Emotional Intelligence

You’ve likely come across those supportive mental health messages outlining what we can control and what we can’t. Generally, I agree with most of what’s on those lists, except for one phrase that always bothers me: “you can control your thoughts.” This idea has caused much distress because it often drives people to therapy—they want to rid themselves of unwanted thoughts and feelings. Social media and cultural norms reinforce this by promoting the idea of controlling thoughts and labeling certain thoughts and feelings as abnormal. Shifting our mindset could help us cope better with these challenges. Instead of expending energy trying to banish these thoughts, we can acknowledge them and let them pass, even if they’re uncomfortable. By identifying and naming these thoughts (“I’m feeling anxious about tomorrow’s meeting with my boss”), we can step back and observe them objectively—recognizing them as signals from our brain, normalizing them (“many people would feel anxious in this situation”). We can also practice self-compassion, treating ourselves as we would a dear friend—acknowledging difficult moments (“that was a tough time, and it saddens me to think about it”) rather than criticizing ourselves (“I’m foolish for dwelling on the past”). These approaches may help manage unwanted thoughts and feelings. Ultimately, while we might not control our thoughts directly, we can always choose how we respond to them.

Cultural background profoundly affects one’s emotional vocabulary and expression, influencing how people recognize, articulate, and manage their emotions. Different cultures highlight various emotional states and possess unique terms to describe specific feelings that might be absent in other languages. For example, German has the term “schadenfreude” for the pleasure derived from another’s misfortune, while Japanese has “koi no yokan” for the premonition of future love upon first meeting someone. These expressions encapsulate particular emotional experiences that may be difficult to convey in other languages.

Cultural norms also determine which emotions are deemed appropriate to express in different situations. Some cultures accept and even encourage overt emotional displays, such as crying or showing anger, viewing them as forms of honesty and emotional relief. In contrast, other cultures may regard such displays as unsuitable or indicative of weakness, promoting emotional restraint instead. This cultural conditioning shapes how individuals express their emotions and perceive others’ emotional expressions.

Moreover, cultural background influences how emotions are interpreted. In cultures that prioritize collective well-being and harmony, individuals might suppress personal emotions to avoid disrupting group cohesion. Conversely, in cultures that emphasize individualism, personal emotional expression and self-assertion might be encouraged.

Overall, cultural context provides the framework for understanding, labeling, and expressing emotions. It influences not only how people communicate their feelings but also how they respond to others’ emotions, thereby shaping interpersonal interactions and emotional well-being.