Forgiveness would be better described as understanding.

For example, let’s say that my parents completely ignored me when I was a child and, as a result of their neglect, I was exposed to people who seriously hurt me and situations that were very scary and dangerous for me. If I understand who my parents are, as people, if I understand their trauma, their struggle, their limitations, if I can see clearly how their actions were caused by their inability to be present which, in turn, was caused by their trauma, then … how can I blame them? What exactly am I supposed to blame them for? Being traumatized, in pain, oblivious?

I can see clearly that, given who they are, they couldn’t have done anything other than what they did. How can I blame them for not being what they couldn’t possibly be? How can I blame them for not giving me what they were completely incapable of giving? Blaming them for that would be nonsensical.

It is not that I forgive my parents, it’s that I understand them and, having understood them, I can see that there is nothing to forgive. They are who they are, that’s the reality What I need to do is not to forgive them for being who they are, but to accept the reality. Any blame, any guilt I’d assigned to them would be based on my delusional belief that they somehow should have been different. Might as well blame them for not sprouting wings and turning into unicorns.